It's so stupid, the things that set me off.
Like today it hit me, had things gone the way they were supposed to, there would have been a thread on the forum for my birth guesses by now.
But things didn't go the way they were supposed to.
And I have no birth guesses thread.
And I'll be sad as I start to see birth guesses for the other Autumn girls. Even though I'm happy for them. But I'm only human. And it hurts.
So I'm doing my own birth guess.
She would have been a girl. Of course. 8 pounds. And born on her due date - Saturday 5 March 2011.
I wonder if I would have been right?
Bloody hell Steph, stop torturing yourself, seriously :(
PS: Remember Kayla? Pregnant girl at work? She had a little girl. On Friday night. I'm happy for her, I really am. But I should have been next...
22 February 2011
20 February 2011
A bit much
It's all a bit much really.
So 'Fixy February' didn't quite go down the way I hoped. Although my new job is going well (a thousand times better than the old one!) and mostly things are cruising along nicely in the world of Kym & Steph. Mostly. So that's all good, I guess.
I know a lot of people thought this would be our month. Even I thought the same, to be honest. Especially when I had four straight days of queasiness last week. I didn't test, and I didn't get my hopes up (I've learned my lesson there) but I had a good feeling about it. Until Thursday night. When I started spotting.
And tried so hard to convince myself that it was nothing. So, so hard. Reminded myself that it's not uncommon to bleed in early pregnancy. Told myself it was implantation bleeding (conveniently ignoring the other details that clearly told me it wasn't...). Went to bed screaming to God and hammering on Heaven's door for reassurance.
And when I woke up on Friday morning, I was scared to get up. I didn't want to see more blood. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to face it.
But I did. And there it was. All over for another month.
I didn't even have the energy to cry at first. It was just a crushing, suffocating disappointment. I got ready in a fog. It broke my heart to tell Kym once again.
It wasn't until I'd been at work for about an hour or so that I hid in the toilets and allowed the tears to fall.
Why?!!
I can't believe what this has become.
So. Maybe March will be our month. It's funny really, how I always said that we would never try in March, because a March conception would mean a December bub, and December is too close to Christmas. If I'd only known! December/January was always the time I didn't want to give birth, being so close to Christmas, plus my amazing ob is always away in January and I'm iffy about her back-up.
But... what will be will be. Que sera sera. If the universe wants to give me a baby for Christmas, then I'm not going to argue. We'll figure something out. If my ob is away, then I'll just have to trust that she'll leave me in good hands. One thing I've learned from all this is that there are many things I can't control. Letting go is hard, but I seem to be getting better at it...
But I do wish that it would just happen. I was supposed to be giving birth to Peanut in less than two weeks. The 5th of March is going to be an extremely hard day, and even more so because there is absolutely no sign of her coming back to us yet. I don't know how I'm going to cope yet, I really don't. I have blocked out March for so long, and the fact that it is now so close is scaring the hell out of me.
They say that God only gives us as much as we can cope with. I hope they're right.
So 'Fixy February' didn't quite go down the way I hoped. Although my new job is going well (a thousand times better than the old one!) and mostly things are cruising along nicely in the world of Kym & Steph. Mostly. So that's all good, I guess.
I know a lot of people thought this would be our month. Even I thought the same, to be honest. Especially when I had four straight days of queasiness last week. I didn't test, and I didn't get my hopes up (I've learned my lesson there) but I had a good feeling about it. Until Thursday night. When I started spotting.
And tried so hard to convince myself that it was nothing. So, so hard. Reminded myself that it's not uncommon to bleed in early pregnancy. Told myself it was implantation bleeding (conveniently ignoring the other details that clearly told me it wasn't...). Went to bed screaming to God and hammering on Heaven's door for reassurance.
And when I woke up on Friday morning, I was scared to get up. I didn't want to see more blood. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to face it.
But I did. And there it was. All over for another month.
I didn't even have the energy to cry at first. It was just a crushing, suffocating disappointment. I got ready in a fog. It broke my heart to tell Kym once again.
It wasn't until I'd been at work for about an hour or so that I hid in the toilets and allowed the tears to fall.
Why?!!
I can't believe what this has become.
So. Maybe March will be our month. It's funny really, how I always said that we would never try in March, because a March conception would mean a December bub, and December is too close to Christmas. If I'd only known! December/January was always the time I didn't want to give birth, being so close to Christmas, plus my amazing ob is always away in January and I'm iffy about her back-up.
But... what will be will be. Que sera sera. If the universe wants to give me a baby for Christmas, then I'm not going to argue. We'll figure something out. If my ob is away, then I'll just have to trust that she'll leave me in good hands. One thing I've learned from all this is that there are many things I can't control. Letting go is hard, but I seem to be getting better at it...
But I do wish that it would just happen. I was supposed to be giving birth to Peanut in less than two weeks. The 5th of March is going to be an extremely hard day, and even more so because there is absolutely no sign of her coming back to us yet. I don't know how I'm going to cope yet, I really don't. I have blocked out March for so long, and the fact that it is now so close is scaring the hell out of me.
They say that God only gives us as much as we can cope with. I hope they're right.
05 February 2011
less talky, more fixy
I fixed my blog :)
Yes, I knew the background was gone. At first I thought it was just a Firefox thing as it had been working fine in IE. But then I realised that it was in fact cactus, and my pretty heart-shaped box was more of a pale grey slab. Rather uninspiring. But I didn't have the time, energy, or inclination to do anything about it. Til tonight. When I went back onto Hot Bliggity Blog and grabbed the new code. It took me less than one minute. Not sure what all my procrastination was for, really. But anyway. All better now. One day I will have talent and will make my own blog background. But in the meantime I really do like this one.
And while we're on the topic of fixing things, my darling Kym (aka Help Desk) has fixed my computer. It was meant to be an upgrade. Instead it turned into a week-long wipe-everything-and-reinstall drama. But it's all good now :)
I'm hoping this is the month for fixing things.
Of course there is the obvious one. Which I'm not supposed to be thinking about... *lalalalala*
Then the fact that yesterday was my LAST DAY in the job-of-my-dreams-that-I-hated. Monday I start in a new section. Short term but hopefully it will lead to more. I am so relieved. I know it won't be easy. But just the change of scenery alone is enough to make me feel reborn.
Then I start my digital video editing course next weekend at the WEA. Very very excited about that!! The first steps towards what will hopefully become my next career.
And then there is my knee. The knee that I injured in late October. The knee injury that devastated me as it meant I had to cut back on Zumba. I don't think I've blogged properly about Zumba yet. Still trying to find the words to do it justice! But just know that Zumba was (still is!) my therapy. I need to be there. I look forward to it all the time. I can't get enough of it. It is as much an emotional need as a physical one. So the prospect of cutting back was pretty upsetting. I was mostly obedient - took a couple of weeks off (okay, 12 days) and then followed doctor's orders and went no more than twice a week (okay, so maybe three is the new two...). Been seeing the physio and went back to Zumba four times a week after new years. So far so good. It's not right yet. It still hurts. Especially in squats, and on stairs. But it is slowly improving. So here's hoping this month will be full of knee-fixy as well. I would love to be able to do a pain-free Zumba class again sometime (don't get me started on my heel pain. No, seriously, don't).
Might need to do something special for Valentines Day as well. Because I'm feeling mushy and I think we deserve it...
So there we go. Happy Fixy February.
But I'm still scared of facing March.
Yes, I knew the background was gone. At first I thought it was just a Firefox thing as it had been working fine in IE. But then I realised that it was in fact cactus, and my pretty heart-shaped box was more of a pale grey slab. Rather uninspiring. But I didn't have the time, energy, or inclination to do anything about it. Til tonight. When I went back onto Hot Bliggity Blog and grabbed the new code. It took me less than one minute. Not sure what all my procrastination was for, really. But anyway. All better now. One day I will have talent and will make my own blog background. But in the meantime I really do like this one.
And while we're on the topic of fixing things, my darling Kym (aka Help Desk) has fixed my computer. It was meant to be an upgrade. Instead it turned into a week-long wipe-everything-and-reinstall drama. But it's all good now :)
I'm hoping this is the month for fixing things.
Of course there is the obvious one. Which I'm not supposed to be thinking about... *lalalalala*
Then the fact that yesterday was my LAST DAY in the job-of-my-dreams-that-I-hated. Monday I start in a new section. Short term but hopefully it will lead to more. I am so relieved. I know it won't be easy. But just the change of scenery alone is enough to make me feel reborn.
Then I start my digital video editing course next weekend at the WEA. Very very excited about that!! The first steps towards what will hopefully become my next career.
And then there is my knee. The knee that I injured in late October. The knee injury that devastated me as it meant I had to cut back on Zumba. I don't think I've blogged properly about Zumba yet. Still trying to find the words to do it justice! But just know that Zumba was (still is!) my therapy. I need to be there. I look forward to it all the time. I can't get enough of it. It is as much an emotional need as a physical one. So the prospect of cutting back was pretty upsetting. I was mostly obedient - took a couple of weeks off (okay, 12 days) and then followed doctor's orders and went no more than twice a week (okay, so maybe three is the new two...). Been seeing the physio and went back to Zumba four times a week after new years. So far so good. It's not right yet. It still hurts. Especially in squats, and on stairs. But it is slowly improving. So here's hoping this month will be full of knee-fixy as well. I would love to be able to do a pain-free Zumba class again sometime (don't get me started on my heel pain. No, seriously, don't).
Might need to do something special for Valentines Day as well. Because I'm feeling mushy and I think we deserve it...
So there we go. Happy Fixy February.
But I'm still scared of facing March.
31 January 2011
Now I can talk about it
I can talk about it now.
I really thought January was going to be our month. I was positive. And I was so positive. For the first time since 15 August last year, I was almost happy. It could have just been the relief at being able to try again at last. Either way, it was pretty awesome.
And I waited with anticipation for 20 January. That would be The Date when I would know. Marked on my calendar as 'Fingers Crossed' surrounded by love hearts. But I couldn't resist. I tested a couple of days early. And got a faint positive. It was enough to get me excited. Tested again on the 20th. Another faint positive. Possibly fainter than the first? Hmm... tried not to worry about it... but did. It reminded me too much of those weeks after our first ob appt last year. When she was measuring too small. Even though friends gave words of reassurance, I knew deep down that something wasn't right. And here I was again. Deep down, knowing something wasn't right.
Tested again on Sat morning. Borderline negative. I willed that line with all my heart. Waited patiently, then not-so-patiently. WHERE ARE YOU?!! But I knew. I already knew. I just didn't want to believe it. I couldn't accept it. And then the cramping and bleeding began. And I knew it was over. Before it had really begun. And I cried all morning, cried as though my heart was breaking into a thousand pieces. Because it was.
Part of me was relieved that, if it had to happen, it happened now rather than 11 weeks down the track like last time. But part of me was sadder for this reason. Because it feels harder to acknowledge this one. I want to acknowledge this little angel just as I acknowledged Peanut. But she seems to have existed in my heart only - even Kym can't really accept that she was real. But to me she was real. I've now lost two babies. But I feel like a drama queen even saying that - because I don't think this little one really 'counts' in the eyes of everyone else. Doesn't that sound terrible? I guess it was just too early. But I love her so much. Like I said once before, where there is love, there is life. Even if sometimes that love isn't enough.
Fly free little one ~ you are in my heart always
The last week has been hard.
Australia Day was hard. Fun, but hard. I'm okay with babies and little kids, but I struggle with seeing pregnant women. I guess I never made it far enough to make that mental shift from being pregnant to actually having a child. So I'm grieving for my lost pregnancy, rather than for my lost baby... if that makes any sense. But I have a lot of pregnant friends right now. Friends who are extremely dear to me. Friends that I would move heaven and earth for. Friends that I wish nothing but happiness and blessings on. I cherish them. And I cherish this time of their lives. I do not want to spoil it or even dampen it with my own emotions. This is their moment.
But god it's hard :( Sometimes it is easier not to talk, than to risk breaking down. There is so much unsaid, because I just can't say it yet. So much I want to say, but I'm just not ready. I don't want to cry. I don't want them to feel sad or guilty. I don't want them to know anything but the joyful innocence of a healthy pregnancy. And I don't want them to hear my voice catching, or see the shadows in my eyes. So it's easier not to talk. Or to avoid the topic. It's not because I don't care. It's because I do. Please understand :(
But I'm doing my best.
But today was bad. I spent a fairly large chunk of the morning at work in tears. And when I got to the stage where I couldn't stop the tears, I went outside for a walk. The riverbank was deserted, as is often the case in 40+ degree weather. So I enjoyed both the warmth and the privacy. Today it really hit me. I was supposed to be having a baby in a little over a month's time. It's almost February. February is a short month. After February comes March. Peanut was due on 5th March. Until now I had blocked it out. I just couldn't touch the thought of March. It was too raw. Way too painful. It was just safer not to look. But now March is there. It's in a box in the corner of the February page of my calendar. It's almost here. I can't stop it and I can't block it out any longer. But when I think of it my throat tightens and I feel sick. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I don't know if I can. I know I don't have a choice, but I don't know how to deal with this.
Everyone told me not to worry about March. That I'd be pregnant again by then. I have my doubts, to be honest. I guess it's because I'm afraid to get my hopes up now. I don't think I could cope with another disappointment like this. I hope that February will be our month. But at the same time I am afraid to hope. I'm not supposed to be thinking about it (ha!). Relax and it will happen (yeah right...). I wish I could just switch off to it. I wish I couldn't care. But not caring about this? That's a bit like asking me to stop loving Kym or to start liking Winter. Sooo not going to happen.
So I'm plodding along. Trying to cope as best I can. Some days I am almost normal. Other days I'm just numb to the world. But I'm still here. I guess that's a victory.
A very wise friend told me about positive thinking. I'm trying to embrace it. I need it. I need to focus on the good things to help me ride the sadness waves. And there are good things. I'm working hard to keep myself distracted and busy, and it seems to be working - there are lots of good things, if I can only keep focused on them. Things like:
A miracle pregnancy for one of my dearest friends - how can I let this break my heart when it is so special and so deserved? Simple - I can't. If it can happen to them, it can happen to us. I'm trying to draw hope from this, rather than sadness.
My beautiful network of friends. Messages checking up on me. Offers to keep me company if I need it. Hugs on tap. Surprise cards and gifts in the mail. You beautiful girls keep me afloat when I feel like I'm drowning. I love you all so much and am so grateful for you all.
I have to make mention of a very special pair of yellow booties that arrived in the mail today. I've been told that they are very potent :) Let's hope they work :) Thank you B :)
Zumba. My escape. It's the best fun I've had since my days of eventing on Delta. The music, the moves, and most of all, the amazing girls I've met. Zumba is the highlight of my week, and I credit it for keeping me sane when nothing else will work.
Scrapbooking. My addictive hobby. I have some big projects on the go, and am enjoying it so much. It's even better with friends, and I treasure Friday night scrapping workshops at K's place. I can't wait to see my efforts come together. Lots to look forward to there.
My mum. She's getting better. My only wish for so many years has been for her to get better. And slowly she is. My wish has come true. Wishes DO come true.
Loui. No matter how bad the day has been or how exhausted I am, he's there. Faithful, true, and neighing for his dinner. And even though he loves to stress me out with random injuries and his apparent refusal to gain weight (damn skinny TBs!) he is my boy and I wouldn't be without him. I guess he is just training me to be a good mum.
Last but certainly never least. Kym. My other half, my soulmate, and the love of my life. I know he is grieving just as much as I am - just in a different way. And I know how lucky I am to have such a supportive husband. He's amazing. He treats me so well. And he's understanding, even when he doesn't really understand. I don't know if that makes any sense. But I don't know how else to explain it. He's just the best. I feel so blessed to be his wife. And I know he is going to be an amazing dad when the time comes.
When.
So there you go. Now I can talk about it. Now I have talked about it. Now I'm trying to look ahead. February is a new month. A new cycle. A new chance. I hope and pray it will be our month. But if not, then I just have to look back at this blog post to remember everything I have to be grateful for. Surely anything else in life should be a bonus?
That said, babydust donations would be gratefully accepted. Because I'm only human. And although I'm not supposed to be thinking about it... I can't seem to help myself.
I really thought January was going to be our month. I was positive. And I was so positive. For the first time since 15 August last year, I was almost happy. It could have just been the relief at being able to try again at last. Either way, it was pretty awesome.
And I waited with anticipation for 20 January. That would be The Date when I would know. Marked on my calendar as 'Fingers Crossed' surrounded by love hearts. But I couldn't resist. I tested a couple of days early. And got a faint positive. It was enough to get me excited. Tested again on the 20th. Another faint positive. Possibly fainter than the first? Hmm... tried not to worry about it... but did. It reminded me too much of those weeks after our first ob appt last year. When she was measuring too small. Even though friends gave words of reassurance, I knew deep down that something wasn't right. And here I was again. Deep down, knowing something wasn't right.
Tested again on Sat morning. Borderline negative. I willed that line with all my heart. Waited patiently, then not-so-patiently. WHERE ARE YOU?!! But I knew. I already knew. I just didn't want to believe it. I couldn't accept it. And then the cramping and bleeding began. And I knew it was over. Before it had really begun. And I cried all morning, cried as though my heart was breaking into a thousand pieces. Because it was.
Part of me was relieved that, if it had to happen, it happened now rather than 11 weeks down the track like last time. But part of me was sadder for this reason. Because it feels harder to acknowledge this one. I want to acknowledge this little angel just as I acknowledged Peanut. But she seems to have existed in my heart only - even Kym can't really accept that she was real. But to me she was real. I've now lost two babies. But I feel like a drama queen even saying that - because I don't think this little one really 'counts' in the eyes of everyone else. Doesn't that sound terrible? I guess it was just too early. But I love her so much. Like I said once before, where there is love, there is life. Even if sometimes that love isn't enough.
Fly free little one ~ you are in my heart always
The last week has been hard.
Australia Day was hard. Fun, but hard. I'm okay with babies and little kids, but I struggle with seeing pregnant women. I guess I never made it far enough to make that mental shift from being pregnant to actually having a child. So I'm grieving for my lost pregnancy, rather than for my lost baby... if that makes any sense. But I have a lot of pregnant friends right now. Friends who are extremely dear to me. Friends that I would move heaven and earth for. Friends that I wish nothing but happiness and blessings on. I cherish them. And I cherish this time of their lives. I do not want to spoil it or even dampen it with my own emotions. This is their moment.
But god it's hard :( Sometimes it is easier not to talk, than to risk breaking down. There is so much unsaid, because I just can't say it yet. So much I want to say, but I'm just not ready. I don't want to cry. I don't want them to feel sad or guilty. I don't want them to know anything but the joyful innocence of a healthy pregnancy. And I don't want them to hear my voice catching, or see the shadows in my eyes. So it's easier not to talk. Or to avoid the topic. It's not because I don't care. It's because I do. Please understand :(
But I'm doing my best.
But today was bad. I spent a fairly large chunk of the morning at work in tears. And when I got to the stage where I couldn't stop the tears, I went outside for a walk. The riverbank was deserted, as is often the case in 40+ degree weather. So I enjoyed both the warmth and the privacy. Today it really hit me. I was supposed to be having a baby in a little over a month's time. It's almost February. February is a short month. After February comes March. Peanut was due on 5th March. Until now I had blocked it out. I just couldn't touch the thought of March. It was too raw. Way too painful. It was just safer not to look. But now March is there. It's in a box in the corner of the February page of my calendar. It's almost here. I can't stop it and I can't block it out any longer. But when I think of it my throat tightens and I feel sick. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I don't know if I can. I know I don't have a choice, but I don't know how to deal with this.
Everyone told me not to worry about March. That I'd be pregnant again by then. I have my doubts, to be honest. I guess it's because I'm afraid to get my hopes up now. I don't think I could cope with another disappointment like this. I hope that February will be our month. But at the same time I am afraid to hope. I'm not supposed to be thinking about it (ha!). Relax and it will happen (yeah right...). I wish I could just switch off to it. I wish I couldn't care. But not caring about this? That's a bit like asking me to stop loving Kym or to start liking Winter. Sooo not going to happen.
So I'm plodding along. Trying to cope as best I can. Some days I am almost normal. Other days I'm just numb to the world. But I'm still here. I guess that's a victory.
A very wise friend told me about positive thinking. I'm trying to embrace it. I need it. I need to focus on the good things to help me ride the sadness waves. And there are good things. I'm working hard to keep myself distracted and busy, and it seems to be working - there are lots of good things, if I can only keep focused on them. Things like:
A miracle pregnancy for one of my dearest friends - how can I let this break my heart when it is so special and so deserved? Simple - I can't. If it can happen to them, it can happen to us. I'm trying to draw hope from this, rather than sadness.
My beautiful network of friends. Messages checking up on me. Offers to keep me company if I need it. Hugs on tap. Surprise cards and gifts in the mail. You beautiful girls keep me afloat when I feel like I'm drowning. I love you all so much and am so grateful for you all.
I have to make mention of a very special pair of yellow booties that arrived in the mail today. I've been told that they are very potent :) Let's hope they work :) Thank you B :)
Zumba. My escape. It's the best fun I've had since my days of eventing on Delta. The music, the moves, and most of all, the amazing girls I've met. Zumba is the highlight of my week, and I credit it for keeping me sane when nothing else will work.
Scrapbooking. My addictive hobby. I have some big projects on the go, and am enjoying it so much. It's even better with friends, and I treasure Friday night scrapping workshops at K's place. I can't wait to see my efforts come together. Lots to look forward to there.
My mum. She's getting better. My only wish for so many years has been for her to get better. And slowly she is. My wish has come true. Wishes DO come true.
Loui. No matter how bad the day has been or how exhausted I am, he's there. Faithful, true, and neighing for his dinner. And even though he loves to stress me out with random injuries and his apparent refusal to gain weight (damn skinny TBs!) he is my boy and I wouldn't be without him. I guess he is just training me to be a good mum.
Last but certainly never least. Kym. My other half, my soulmate, and the love of my life. I know he is grieving just as much as I am - just in a different way. And I know how lucky I am to have such a supportive husband. He's amazing. He treats me so well. And he's understanding, even when he doesn't really understand. I don't know if that makes any sense. But I don't know how else to explain it. He's just the best. I feel so blessed to be his wife. And I know he is going to be an amazing dad when the time comes.
When.
So there you go. Now I can talk about it. Now I have talked about it. Now I'm trying to look ahead. February is a new month. A new cycle. A new chance. I hope and pray it will be our month. But if not, then I just have to look back at this blog post to remember everything I have to be grateful for. Surely anything else in life should be a bonus?
That said, babydust donations would be gratefully accepted. Because I'm only human. And although I'm not supposed to be thinking about it... I can't seem to help myself.
22 January 2011
Fading away
I've just watched our second little angel fade away right before my eyes.
I feel helpless.
I feel numb.
I feel sick.
I feel empty.
What is wrong with me? Why does this keep happening?
I've been watching my BFP fade into a BFN since Tuesday. Then today the spotting and cramping started. It's over :(
This hurts so much :(
I feel helpless.
I feel numb.
I feel sick.
I feel empty.
What is wrong with me? Why does this keep happening?
I've been watching my BFP fade into a BFN since Tuesday. Then today the spotting and cramping started. It's over :(
This hurts so much :(
17 January 2011
Misery, guilt, and gratitude
What a week.
I don't mean that in a good way.
I'm a relative newcomer to the blogging community, only just beginning to tap into the networks that I can see are as strong, if not stronger, than the online forum communities I hold so dear. These friendships can become so binding - so unwavering - the fact you've never actually met seems to be merely an afterthought. And I guess that has never been highlighted so clearly as during the last week when hundreds of hearts broke simultaneously for one of our own. I cried for a girl I didn't know. I prayed for a miracle, and cried bitter tears when those prayers went unanswered. But in the face of such tragedy, I was privileged to witness the blogging community at its finest. Whether we had met in the flesh was irrelevant - the circle of love for Lori was radiant, the grief intense, the support phenomonal.
You are in my thoughts Lori. All the time.
And then more tragedy. Another much-loved blogger lost her sister suddenly. And then within days, she herself passed away. I discovered her blog on Saturday, via a blog-hop of support for Lori. I didn't realise at the time, when I clicked 'follow', that there would be no more entries to follow. She had already joined her sister. But I cannot bring myself to stop following her blog. Not yet. Perhaps not ever.
This week was just, well, tragic doesn't seem to be a strong enough word. Devastating. Heartbreaking. Gut wrenching. Soul destroying. All of those and more. The flooding all over Queensland, and now into Victoria. So many lives lost, families destroyed, people with nothing but the clothes on their backs. Brisbane was my playground. One of my favourite places to be - Brisbane, the Gold Coast, the Sunshine Coast, the Whitsundays, and everything in between. I love everything about it. Well, except the big hairy spiders. But I would put up with them for everything else. I want to live in Queensland. Even now, I still want to live there. I want to be there right now. I want to help fix my playground. And I'm grateful, god I'm so grateful that our loved ones were spared. Our numerous friends and family members, some of whom were perilously close to the danger - all okay. Even their homes were spared. Thank you Lord.
But I'm not there. I'm here. Trying to work out how much I can spend on a Shoebox of Love (or three), and feeling depressed about work.
What right do I have to feel depressed about anything right now? How can I complain about anything when there are people who have lost everything this week?
I still have my husband. I still have my family and friends. Okay, granted, we lost our baby and I'm still pretty emotional about that, particularly with what should have been our due date fast approaching. But I've got the support I need. And with the grace of God and a bit of luck, we may still become parents this year (baby dust donations gratefully appreciated). I have a (very nice) roof over my head, a horse and two adorable cats. Okay, one adorable cat and one pat-at-your-own-risk cat, but you get the idea. I have so much to be grateful for - surely I have no right to be depressed. How could I even consider it, when others have lost so much?
I just am, okay?
I remember the morning we found out we lost Peanut. I remember lying there during the ultrasound, making deals with God - if she was okay, I would never complain about work again... Well, she wasn't okay :( But even that afternoon I was thinking that I'd give anything to be back at work again. For things to be back to normal. For our little one to still be with us.
I guess the worst times make us really appreciate everything else in our lives - even the not-so-great things. And when I see others going through such terrible times, I feel like I shouldn't complain about anything more trivial than what they are going through - like I don't have the right to be unhappy about anything in comparison.
But I do. And I am.
Yes, I'm grateful for everything that is wonderful in my life. But that doesn't change the fact that my job makes me miserable. Every. Day. I've been there almost a year. Almost a year of being miserable and depressed at the thought of going to work.
Is it any wonder that I am making changes?!
I refuse to feel guilty for being unhappy. It may be trivial to many, but to me it is real. It was supposed to be the job of my dreams, so it is quite embarrassing to admit that it hasn’t turned out the way I hoped it would. And the whole situation is made suckier as the (real) job of my dreams was for a while dangling tantalisingly close in front of my nose, but I couldn’t take it on because of the financial risks involved with running your own magazine when you have a mortgage. Quite depressing.
But that may all change... if my plans for this year actually work... must keep looking ahead... I can do this...
I will not allow anyone to make me feel guilty for being unhappy, but at the same time, I am trying really hard not to wallow in it. Because, as I've already established, aside from the train wreck that is currently my career, I’m actually pretty damn lucky. And outside of business hours, I’m generally a pretty happy person…
So in the wake of a week of tragedy, and with another four days of work ahead of me before another treasured weekend (may as well be four months, the way it feels right now...), I think I need to remind myself of some of the aspects of my life that fill me with gratitude...
I’m grateful to horses, just for existing. I can’t imagine a world without you, nor do I ever want to.
I’m grateful to my beautiful horse Delta Song for making me a better person and for giving me the strength to keep going after she passed away.
I’m grateful to my amazing friends for helping to pick me up whenever I am down, and for providing Bella or Baileys (and sometimes both) to drown the sorrows.
I’m grateful for the wonderful girls and support network that are only a click away on various forums and blogs. I’m grateful for internet access to make this possible.
I’m grateful for our beautiful house – my private haven where I am safe from the world, and the only place where I have ever been able to truly be myself. It’s worth being miserable at work to be able to come home to a haven like this. Almost.
I'm grateful for not having had to endure floods, or bushfires, or cyclones, or any other kind of natural disaster as yet.
I'm grateful to Sarah for being the sister I never had.
I’m grateful to the Geelong Cats for the 2007 Grand Final.
I’m grateful for Tim Tams <3 Especially the Classic Dark variety…
I’m grateful for Zumba for being so much fun and for making me feel less guilty about being grateful for Tim Tams, if you get my drift…
I’m grateful to JK Rowling for feeding my imagination so perfectly.
I’m grateful for summer, for sunflowers, for weekends, for Alli’s pink wax, for cupcakes, for Horsewyse magazine, for scrapbooking, for Thelwell, for Christmas, for music, for Facebook on the iPhone, for Shrek, for the colour green, for rain, for girly nights, for midwives, for scented candles, for eventing, and most of all, for having the freedom to make my own choices, and for being able to walk down the street without worrying about being shot.
Yes, work sucks.
Work sucketh biiig hairy balls.
But it’s the only thing that does.
And for that I am very grateful.
I don't mean that in a good way.
I'm a relative newcomer to the blogging community, only just beginning to tap into the networks that I can see are as strong, if not stronger, than the online forum communities I hold so dear. These friendships can become so binding - so unwavering - the fact you've never actually met seems to be merely an afterthought. And I guess that has never been highlighted so clearly as during the last week when hundreds of hearts broke simultaneously for one of our own. I cried for a girl I didn't know. I prayed for a miracle, and cried bitter tears when those prayers went unanswered. But in the face of such tragedy, I was privileged to witness the blogging community at its finest. Whether we had met in the flesh was irrelevant - the circle of love for Lori was radiant, the grief intense, the support phenomonal.
You are in my thoughts Lori. All the time.
And then more tragedy. Another much-loved blogger lost her sister suddenly. And then within days, she herself passed away. I discovered her blog on Saturday, via a blog-hop of support for Lori. I didn't realise at the time, when I clicked 'follow', that there would be no more entries to follow. She had already joined her sister. But I cannot bring myself to stop following her blog. Not yet. Perhaps not ever.
This week was just, well, tragic doesn't seem to be a strong enough word. Devastating. Heartbreaking. Gut wrenching. Soul destroying. All of those and more. The flooding all over Queensland, and now into Victoria. So many lives lost, families destroyed, people with nothing but the clothes on their backs. Brisbane was my playground. One of my favourite places to be - Brisbane, the Gold Coast, the Sunshine Coast, the Whitsundays, and everything in between. I love everything about it. Well, except the big hairy spiders. But I would put up with them for everything else. I want to live in Queensland. Even now, I still want to live there. I want to be there right now. I want to help fix my playground. And I'm grateful, god I'm so grateful that our loved ones were spared. Our numerous friends and family members, some of whom were perilously close to the danger - all okay. Even their homes were spared. Thank you Lord.
But I'm not there. I'm here. Trying to work out how much I can spend on a Shoebox of Love (or three), and feeling depressed about work.
What right do I have to feel depressed about anything right now? How can I complain about anything when there are people who have lost everything this week?
I still have my husband. I still have my family and friends. Okay, granted, we lost our baby and I'm still pretty emotional about that, particularly with what should have been our due date fast approaching. But I've got the support I need. And with the grace of God and a bit of luck, we may still become parents this year (baby dust donations gratefully appreciated). I have a (very nice) roof over my head, a horse and two adorable cats. Okay, one adorable cat and one pat-at-your-own-risk cat, but you get the idea. I have so much to be grateful for - surely I have no right to be depressed. How could I even consider it, when others have lost so much?
I just am, okay?
I remember the morning we found out we lost Peanut. I remember lying there during the ultrasound, making deals with God - if she was okay, I would never complain about work again... Well, she wasn't okay :( But even that afternoon I was thinking that I'd give anything to be back at work again. For things to be back to normal. For our little one to still be with us.
I guess the worst times make us really appreciate everything else in our lives - even the not-so-great things. And when I see others going through such terrible times, I feel like I shouldn't complain about anything more trivial than what they are going through - like I don't have the right to be unhappy about anything in comparison.
But I do. And I am.
Yes, I'm grateful for everything that is wonderful in my life. But that doesn't change the fact that my job makes me miserable. Every. Day. I've been there almost a year. Almost a year of being miserable and depressed at the thought of going to work.
Is it any wonder that I am making changes?!
I refuse to feel guilty for being unhappy. It may be trivial to many, but to me it is real. It was supposed to be the job of my dreams, so it is quite embarrassing to admit that it hasn’t turned out the way I hoped it would. And the whole situation is made suckier as the (real) job of my dreams was for a while dangling tantalisingly close in front of my nose, but I couldn’t take it on because of the financial risks involved with running your own magazine when you have a mortgage. Quite depressing.
But that may all change... if my plans for this year actually work... must keep looking ahead... I can do this...
I will not allow anyone to make me feel guilty for being unhappy, but at the same time, I am trying really hard not to wallow in it. Because, as I've already established, aside from the train wreck that is currently my career, I’m actually pretty damn lucky. And outside of business hours, I’m generally a pretty happy person…
So in the wake of a week of tragedy, and with another four days of work ahead of me before another treasured weekend (may as well be four months, the way it feels right now...), I think I need to remind myself of some of the aspects of my life that fill me with gratitude...
(and for the purposes of the blog-hop, I will pretend that it is Saturday instead of Monday... Mmmm Saturday...)
I’m grateful to horses, just for existing. I can’t imagine a world without you, nor do I ever want to.
I’m grateful to my beautiful horse Delta Song for making me a better person and for giving me the strength to keep going after she passed away.
I’m grateful to my amazing friends for helping to pick me up whenever I am down, and for providing Bella or Baileys (and sometimes both) to drown the sorrows.
I’m grateful for the wonderful girls and support network that are only a click away on various forums and blogs. I’m grateful for internet access to make this possible.
I’m grateful for our beautiful house – my private haven where I am safe from the world, and the only place where I have ever been able to truly be myself. It’s worth being miserable at work to be able to come home to a haven like this. Almost.
I'm grateful for not having had to endure floods, or bushfires, or cyclones, or any other kind of natural disaster as yet.
I'm grateful to Sarah for being the sister I never had.
I’m grateful to the Geelong Cats for the 2007 Grand Final.
I’m grateful for Tim Tams <3 Especially the Classic Dark variety…
I’m grateful for Zumba for being so much fun and for making me feel less guilty about being grateful for Tim Tams, if you get my drift…
I’m grateful to JK Rowling for feeding my imagination so perfectly.
I’m grateful for summer, for sunflowers, for weekends, for Alli’s pink wax, for cupcakes, for Horsewyse magazine, for scrapbooking, for Thelwell, for Christmas, for music, for Facebook on the iPhone, for Shrek, for the colour green, for rain, for girly nights, for midwives, for scented candles, for eventing, and most of all, for having the freedom to make my own choices, and for being able to walk down the street without worrying about being shot.
Yes, work sucks.
Work sucketh biiig hairy balls.
But it’s the only thing that does.
And for that I am very grateful.
10 January 2011
Vale Tony
Every now and then, something comes out of left field, rattles you to the core, and reminds you how much you have to be thankful for.
My heart is aching for Lori right now.
She is living my worst nightmare.
My heart is aching for Lori right now.
She is living my worst nightmare.
I can't imagine. I don't want to imagine. The sheer magnitude of what has just happened to her world makes my head spin. It's a kind of pain I cannot fathom, and I hope beyond hope that I never will. My heart is breaking for a beautiful family that I have never met.
Rest in Peace Tony ~ in the arms of the angels
Rest in Peace Tony ~ in the arms of the angels
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