Birth guess

It's so stupid, the things that set me off.

Like today it hit me, had things gone the way they were supposed to, there would have been a thread on the forum for my birth guesses by now.

But things didn't go the way they were supposed to.

And I have no birth guesses thread.

And I'll be sad as I start to see birth guesses for the other Autumn girls. Even though I'm happy for them. But I'm only human. And it hurts.

So I'm doing my own birth guess.

She would have been a girl. Of course. 8 pounds. And born on her due date - Saturday 5 March 2011.

I wonder if I would have been right?

Bloody hell Steph, stop torturing yourself, seriously :(

PS: Remember Kayla? Pregnant girl at work? She had a little girl. On Friday night. I'm happy for her, I really am. But I should have been next...

A bit much

It's all a bit much really.

So 'Fixy February' didn't quite go down the way I hoped. Although my new job is going well (a thousand times better than the old one!) and mostly things are cruising along nicely in the world of Kym & Steph. Mostly. So that's all good, I guess.

I know a lot of people thought this would be our month. Even I thought the same, to be honest. Especially when I had four straight days of queasiness last week. I didn't test, and I didn't get my hopes up (I've learned my lesson there) but I had a good feeling about it. Until Thursday night. When I started spotting.

And tried so hard to convince myself that it was nothing. So, so hard. Reminded myself that it's not uncommon to bleed in early pregnancy. Told myself it was implantation bleeding (conveniently ignoring the other details that clearly told me it wasn't...). Went to bed screaming to God and hammering on Heaven's door for reassurance.

And when I woke up on Friday morning, I was scared to get up. I didn't want to see more blood. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to face it.

But I did. And there it was. All over for another month.

I didn't even have the energy to cry at first. It was just a crushing, suffocating disappointment. I got ready in a fog. It broke my heart to tell Kym once again.

It wasn't until I'd been at work for about an hour or so that I hid in the toilets and allowed the tears to fall.

Why?!!

I can't believe what this has become.

So. Maybe March will be our month. It's funny really, how I always said that we would never try in March, because a March conception would mean a December bub, and December is too close to Christmas. If I'd only known! December/January was always the time I didn't want to give birth, being so close to Christmas, plus my amazing ob is always away in January and I'm iffy about her back-up.

But... what will be will be. Que sera sera. If the universe wants to give me a baby for Christmas, then I'm not going to argue. We'll figure something out. If my ob is away, then I'll just have to trust that she'll leave me in good hands. One thing I've learned from all this is that there are many things I can't control. Letting go is hard, but I seem to be getting better at it...

But I do wish that it would just happen. I was supposed to be giving birth to Peanut in less than two weeks. The 5th of March is going to be an extremely hard day, and even more so because there is absolutely no sign of her coming back to us yet. I don't know how I'm going to cope yet, I really don't. I have blocked out March for so long, and the fact that it is now so close is scaring the hell out of me.

They say that God only gives us as much as we can cope with. I hope they're right.

less talky, more fixy

I fixed my blog :)

Yes, I knew the background was gone. At first I thought it was just a Firefox thing as it had been working fine in IE. But then I realised that it was in fact cactus, and my pretty heart-shaped box was more of a pale grey slab. Rather uninspiring. But I didn't have the time, energy, or inclination to do anything about it. Til tonight. When I went back onto Hot Bliggity Blog and grabbed the new code. It took me less than one minute. Not sure what all my procrastination was for, really. But anyway. All better now. One day I will have talent and will make my own blog background. But in the meantime I really do like this one.

And while we're on the topic of fixing things, my darling Kym (aka Help Desk) has fixed my computer. It was meant to be an upgrade. Instead it turned into a week-long wipe-everything-and-reinstall drama. But it's all good now :)

I'm hoping this is the month for fixing things.

Of course there is the obvious one. Which I'm not supposed to be thinking about... *lalalalala*

Then the fact that yesterday was my LAST DAY in the job-of-my-dreams-that-I-hated. Monday I start in a new section. Short term but hopefully it will lead to more. I am so relieved. I know it won't be easy. But just the change of scenery alone is enough to make me feel reborn.

Then I start my digital video editing course next weekend at the WEA. Very very excited about that!! The first steps towards what will hopefully become my next career.

And then there is my knee. The knee that I injured in late October. The knee injury that devastated me as it meant I had to cut back on Zumba. I don't think I've blogged properly about Zumba yet. Still trying to find the words to do it justice! But just know that Zumba was (still is!) my therapy. I need to be there. I look forward to it all the time. I can't get enough of it. It is as much an emotional need as a physical one. So the prospect of cutting back was pretty upsetting. I was mostly obedient - took a couple of weeks off (okay, 12 days) and then followed doctor's orders and went no more than twice a week (okay, so maybe three is the new two...). Been seeing the physio and went back to Zumba four times a week after new years. So far so good. It's not right yet. It still hurts. Especially in squats, and on stairs. But it is slowly improving. So here's hoping this month will be full of knee-fixy as well. I would love to be able to do a pain-free Zumba class again sometime (don't get me started on my heel pain. No, seriously, don't).

Might need to do something special for Valentines Day as well. Because I'm feeling mushy and I think we deserve it...

So there we go. Happy Fixy February.

But I'm still scared of facing March.