Just dealing

So its now been about 6 weeks since we lost her.

I think I'm okay. Mostly. I think I've done a pretty good job of being okay on the surface, at least. Getting on with life and all that. There's a fair bit going on that nobody else can see, but that's okay too. The heavy-heartedness comes in bite-size pieces now, subtle enough that I can deal with them on my own, without needing to unburden on anyone else, or (hopefully) even reveal that anything is amiss. But if I get a bit quiet or withdrawn from time to time, don't worry - I'm just dealing. And I'll be smiling again soon.

Ultrasound photos are what get me most. I guess that's to be expected. And being anywhere near Ashford. And seeing pregnant girls. Especially Kayla. And the cute baby on the immunisation poster at Emmaus. And thinking about March. Wondering how on earth I am going to handle March. That's still uncharted territory actually, because just starting to contemplate it hurts so much that I won't even go there.

But clearly I like to torture myself. Because FB is full of ultrasound photos, and not only am I seeing them, I am actively seeking them out. Why? Because I'm nuts? Or because I'm trying to memorise what a healthy scan looks like? I have no idea. And I always end up closing the window anyway and kicking myself for making it hurt again. Idiot. But we both know I'll do it again. And then there's Ashford. I go past it twice a day on the work commute. And I look. And I see the very window that I was gazing out of on that horrible morning in August. And I feel it ache but at the same time I hope to God that I'll be back in there soon with a new chapter. Pregnant girls are everywhere but I have been making a conscious effort to avoid Kayla. Clearly I know my limits there. That or I'd rather not lose the plot at work again. And I always find myself staring at the immunisation poster - no matter how much it twists the knife, I still love it. And March. Well, the only way I can handle that is by telling myself that I will most likely be pregnant in March, so hopefully that will make it easier. But who am I kidding, seriously? I'll be a mess. Even if I am expecting triplets, that won't stop me aching for my little Peanut and wishing I was finally holding her like I should have been. I suspect that we'll have to go away somewhere. I'm thinking Hamilton Island. Or Dunk Island. Or somewhere else just as tropical and heavenly and ridiculously overpriced.

Guess I'll deal with that when it happens.

It's not all violins though. You'll be proud - I have been living again. Like, actually, living living. Not just going through the motions. And I've been enjoying it! Which is why I haven't updated for a while - just been too busy and/or too exhausted. And even now, I have so much to update, but I don't have the energy tonight. Soon. Maybe tomorrow night. I'll need to be more awake than this to do it all justice... but here's a taste...

Zumba marathon... Loui's hooves... hot pink wigs... karaoke... tequila (never again!)... hungover Zumba... Tomorrow When the War Began... City to Bay... Business Improvement Challenge... scariest meeting ever... badminton club champs... AFL Grand Final that wasn't...

Details to come :)

Sunshine... for real?

So we actually had some sunshine this weekend. Like, actual REAL sunshine. Not the teasing sun-cloud-rain-cloud-more rain-sun-even more cloud-rain thing that has been going on for the past few weeks (except for last week, which was pretty much just solid wind, rain, power cuts, flooded parklands & inside-out umbrellas... great weather for ducks but really not much else...)

I didn't actually believe that it was going to stay sunny at first. Every time the clouds came over I triumphantly thought aha, knew it! only to then see them move over and let the sun through again - and again... and again :) Eventually I was convinced enough to tempt fate and hang out the washing. And amazingly, it actually dried. All of it!

Perhaps this means that Spring is has finally beaten Winter into submission? Fashionably late, but all is forgiven as long as she keeps it up...

Needless to say, ponies were loving it.

Side note: Normally I go straight from Zumba to feed the horses on Saturday mornings, but yesterday I ducked home first to quickly get changed. Why? Well, the hoof trimmer was coming for Loui at 11:15. And while I'm sure that my usual Saturday morning horse-feeding fashion combo of Zumba clothes (for the uninitiated, it's like gym clothes but cooler) with muddy black rubber boots and rainproof jacket would be totally acceptible on the European catwalks (work with me here...), I did think it may have confirmed his suspicions that I am in fact a complete weirdo. So to avoid potential embarrassment to either myself or Loui, and to avoid the hassle of having to find a new hoof trimmer, it was just safer to just go home and change into some jeans. And no, there wasn't actually any point to that story.

Sunshine = rugs off!! Been a while since we could do that. Their eyes just lit up as I started to unbuckle them. Loui even forgot about trying to kick me! Unfortunately that was the extent of his cooperativeness... when it came to trying to get a photo, forget it...

Can't pose. Eating.

WTF was that?

No, I'm still not going to look at the camera...

I gave up shortly after that :P

Remember my revolting swamp of a paddock from last weekend? Well, looky what we have now! See what a few days of sunshine can achieve? It's still marshy and boggy near the gates (precisely where I had to walk to take their rugs off, of course...) but drying out beautifully.

And remember the giant mofo puddle on the driveway from last weekend? Hehehe... conquered! This is what it looked like this afternoon. And I finally drove through it (only to discover that it's, um, not quite as dry as it looked... *cough* I won't show you what my car looks like now...)

Anyway... my not-so-noble steed and I were both very glad for some much-needed sunshine this weekend, and now we're hanging out for the bliss that will be daylight savings.

I'm not counting down or anything... 20 days to go...

Strugglesville...

Memories can be painfully tricky. Sometimes you think something will be hard, but then it happens and it's not so bad after all. Sometimes you're pretty sure you'll be okay, and you are. Sometimes you know it will be bad, and it is, but you're sort-of prepared because you knew it would be...

And then sometimes they take you by surprise. You don't really think much of it until you are faced with it, and then suddenly it punches the breath out of you and sends you flying into a crumpled heap in the corner, where you stay, dazed and trembling, because you don't trust yourself to move because it will only hurt more.

That's what happened to me earlier this week. And I'm still shaking in the corner.

Monday 6th September was our 2nd wedding anniversary. It had also been the scheduled date of our first big ultrasound and our next ob appt. I had been so excited about it being scheduled on our anniversary (talk about a cool coincidence!), as it was already such a special occasion for us.

I hadn't really thought much about it since we lost her. I guess I'd already had so much to deal with on a day-by-day basis, that I didn't really look ahead too far. It did prickle my thoughts vaguely from time to time, but I'd pushed it away. I'm kind of good at that, hey?

Monday itself was a nice day. Kym and I both had the day off work, and we went to the Show. Of course it was on my mind, but thankfully there was enough to distract me from dwelling on it too deeply. We went out for dinner Monday night and it was really special. We ended up going to our favourite sushi place at Glenelg which seems to be a tradition for us now. Aside from the obvious I shouldn't be allowed to eat sushi yet here I am thoughts, it was pretty perfect. It's hard to be sad about anything when you have a plate of vegetable inari in front of you (trust me).

It wasn't until afterwards, much later that night at home - then it hit me. That's when all the emotion sneaked up and king hit me from behind. And since then I've gone through the entire spectrum of emotions a few times over and I'm still shaking in that corner, afraid to even try to stand up yet because it feels safer down here. You can't knock someone to the ground if they are already there. Makes sense.

I will stand up soon. Once the emotions slow down a bit - right now they are still spinning too fast and it's making me dizzy. But soon.

I guess it goes without saying then that work has been a disaster this week. I've tried, I really have. But I'm just a write off. Tuesday and Wednesday were both pretty pathetic. Especially Wednesday. I walked in and there was Kayla from upstairs dropping off some files for me. All fine, except that Kayla is pregnant too. She's a few weeks ahead of me (well... not anymore, but you know what I mean). She has a bump now. I've been trying to avoid her because I knew what would happen... same old drill: brave face... straight to office... fall apart. I don't think Kayla knows what happened to me. Or maybe she does. I don't know.

I feel like I'm supposed to be 'okay' now. I had my week off when it happened and work was very patient and understanding. I eased back into it gently and again everyone was very patient and understanding. But now this is my third week back and think that people are thinking that I should be all good and back up to speed now. Last week I wasn't too bad, but this week? Disaster. If anything, this week has been harder than my first week back. That's how hard it hit me on Monday. That's why it's taking me so long to get back up this time.

But I didn't want to admit that to my boss. I've been really lucky in my career so far - I've had some really amazing and inspiring role models as my supervisors. And Jill is right up there with the best of them. She's also one of the most understanding and emotionally receptive people I've ever worked with. So why didn't I want to admit to her that I was struggling? In hindsight, I don't know. At the time, I guess I felt like she (and all my collegues) had already been so understanding and supportive and I didn't want to be seen to be taking advantage of that. I guess I didn't want to worry her or admit how badly I have fallen behind with everything, or give her any reason to doubt me and my ability to do my job. I'm in a pretty high-powered position (which I was freakily lucky to get) and it's difficult to find other people to assist with my role. I guess I felt like I'd already called in enough favours over the last few weeks and I should be hardening up and getting on with it. Not shaking in the corner.

I feel bad though. I feel like I let her down by not admitting it to her. Because she heard me on the phone to Kym yesterday (our offices are next to each other and not very soundproof, plus both doors were open...) so it turns out that she knew exactly what was going on the whole time. She also knew that I didn't want to tell her, but she didn't know why... so now she probably thinks I wasn't comfortable telling her or I didn't trust her enough, which is completely wrong because I know I can go to her and she's made it very clear that she's always there if I need to talk. She has been amazing and so generous and caring, and I couldn't blame her in the slightest if she was offended that I didn't want to admit it to her. Even though it wasn't any reflection on her at all - it was just me trying to be a hero and failing dismally.

Yeah... bad week.

I guess it also doesn't help that I'm still a bit of a mess physically as well (and you can interpret that any way you like) and given that it's been over three weeks now, I'm starting to think that perhaps things might not be quite right. I'm going to give it until next week Tuesday and if there's no improvement then I guess I'll have to call my ob again - even if it's just for peace of mind (I should probably stop reading D&C horror stories now...). I guess my hormones are all over the place, so it's no wonder I'm such an emotional minefield...

One day at a time. Tomorrow WILL be better. It's Friday, for starters. Casual day. Jeans are good. Then weekend. Sleep, Zumba, horses, friends... and hopefully hopefully by next week I'll be standing up again.

If you want the rainbow...

If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain...

It rained a lot today. A lot. The kind of steady rain that provides a soothing background to trackies and uggies days. Today was the kind of day where you look outside, shake your head, and go 'nup, not going out there'.

Soggy patio...

Soggy pavers by the front door...

Hoping that the fish won't float away...

So trackies and uggies day it was. Which was actually fine by me, as I really didn't feel much like going out. I needed to regroup. Home is my safe place right now. I'll be having to face the world again tomorrow, so I guess I was entitled to hibernate a little today. Or a lot, even.

So I lit Peanut's candle, and settled down with a peppermint tea and some magazines. It wasn't much, but it was what I needed, and it was enough.

Candle is 'Spirituality' by Dusk, in case you were curious. I never intended to buy Peanut a purple candle, but this one just grabbed me - it smells beautiful, and (in my mind) represents her perfectly. So purple candle it is. Perhaps this little angel is telling me that she likes purple?





Gloria Jeans make the best peppermint tea bags in existence. Just in case you were wondering.

And also, while I'm here, I thought I'd show you the angel girl Pandora charm that Kym bought for me the week we lost Peanut. I think it's a beautiful way to keep her close. I'm slowly building up my Pandora bracelet - perhaps my next charm will be the baby stroller or dummy? I can only hope...

I had to face the rain eventually though. Horses need to be fed - rain, hail, or shine. So at about 4pm I donned the old jeans & waterproof jacket, and headed out.

Poor Loui and Red looked so miserable out there in the wet. Although they were warm and dry under their rugs (I checked) they still looked utterly pathetic standing out there in the swamp formerly known as their paddock, fetlock-deep in the mud with water dripping from dreadlocked manes and tails. Poor ponies.

It is horribly slippery out there. Poor Loui was sliding all over the place as he walked up to me.

Food time? I worked hard enough to get here...



View from the other side... absolute swamp :( It's revolting.

Attempting to make feeds in the middle of a huge puddle...

Pray tell me why the water trough was empty when it has done nothing but rain almost solidly for the last week? Weird... Maybe they really really like rainwater?

The driveway puddle I showed you yesterday has grown even bigger. Needless to say, I didn't drive through it today either!

As much as I love Loui, I have to confess I was quietly relieved to get back into my warm car and head home. I am so desperately incompatible with weather like this.

Put up with the rain... yes, I think we have fulfilled that criteria...

I hope this means our rainbow is coming soon...

taking each day as it comes

One day at a time. That seems to be my mantra right now. I'd love to be able to say that I'm doing okay, but I'm not sure that would be truthful. Sometimes I am. I have good days and difficult days. On good days, it is easier to put on the brave face and I feel more like I can cope with the day to day bustle. On difficult days I just feel like I'm wearing this veil of sadness that I can't remove, and every little thing brings me closer to tears. Today is a difficult day. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day. I hope so.

It feels like half of my friends on Facebook are pregnant right now, including two who are expecting twins. And while I am so happy for them, it is also such a slap in the face, because I should have been joining them. I want to rejoice over their ultrasound photos and beautiful bellies and count down the weeks with them, but instead I just feel sick remembering how our last ultrasound ended up. And I have to back away, or else I'll crash again. I don't want to crash again. I don't want to go back there. Not yet. It hurts so much.

I think I'll feel better once we can try again. I think that's the only thing that might help. But I'm not sure when that will be. I'm not physically recovered from the D&C yet, so it will take some time. And then the rollercoaster will begin again. Maybe once I am physically ready I will be mentally ready for that as well. One day at a time.

Apparently it is supposed to be Spring now...

These were taken at about 10am this morning at the stables...

You can't really see the detail of the rain splashing into the puddles (iPhone camera isn't quite that good) but trust me, it was splashing... and there was no way I was driving through that!

10am... and foggy. Rain and fog.

More fog rolling in across the paddocks...

But my beautiful Loui doesn't seem to mind. As long as he has his rug and his hay, he is a pretty happy boy. I have to wonder what's going on in his mind sometimes. Whether he really is that chilled naturally, or whether he has just learned over the years not to sweat the small stuff... I wonder if it bothers him that his paddock has been a swamp for the last month, or that the bore water that fills his water trough has a browny tinge, or that I've never taken him to the beach. Or maybe he just has that wise calm acceptance of an ageing horse who knows that life may not be perfect, but that it's good enough for him. I wonder if he knows how I'm feeling these days. I suspect he does. Horses are so tuned in like that. Perhaps this is his way of keeping my emotions in check. Life has thrown us such a curveball, but Loui is still Loui - faithful, calm, and true. Just what I need from him right now. Yes, he knows.