A bit much

It's all a bit much really.

So 'Fixy February' didn't quite go down the way I hoped. Although my new job is going well (a thousand times better than the old one!) and mostly things are cruising along nicely in the world of Kym & Steph. Mostly. So that's all good, I guess.

I know a lot of people thought this would be our month. Even I thought the same, to be honest. Especially when I had four straight days of queasiness last week. I didn't test, and I didn't get my hopes up (I've learned my lesson there) but I had a good feeling about it. Until Thursday night. When I started spotting.

And tried so hard to convince myself that it was nothing. So, so hard. Reminded myself that it's not uncommon to bleed in early pregnancy. Told myself it was implantation bleeding (conveniently ignoring the other details that clearly told me it wasn't...). Went to bed screaming to God and hammering on Heaven's door for reassurance.

And when I woke up on Friday morning, I was scared to get up. I didn't want to see more blood. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to face it.

But I did. And there it was. All over for another month.

I didn't even have the energy to cry at first. It was just a crushing, suffocating disappointment. I got ready in a fog. It broke my heart to tell Kym once again.

It wasn't until I'd been at work for about an hour or so that I hid in the toilets and allowed the tears to fall.

Why?!!

I can't believe what this has become.

So. Maybe March will be our month. It's funny really, how I always said that we would never try in March, because a March conception would mean a December bub, and December is too close to Christmas. If I'd only known! December/January was always the time I didn't want to give birth, being so close to Christmas, plus my amazing ob is always away in January and I'm iffy about her back-up.

But... what will be will be. Que sera sera. If the universe wants to give me a baby for Christmas, then I'm not going to argue. We'll figure something out. If my ob is away, then I'll just have to trust that she'll leave me in good hands. One thing I've learned from all this is that there are many things I can't control. Letting go is hard, but I seem to be getting better at it...

But I do wish that it would just happen. I was supposed to be giving birth to Peanut in less than two weeks. The 5th of March is going to be an extremely hard day, and even more so because there is absolutely no sign of her coming back to us yet. I don't know how I'm going to cope yet, I really don't. I have blocked out March for so long, and the fact that it is now so close is scaring the hell out of me.

They say that God only gives us as much as we can cope with. I hope they're right.