Misery, guilt, and gratitude

What a week.

I don't mean that in a good way.

I'm a relative newcomer to the blogging community, only just beginning to tap into the networks that I can see are as strong, if not stronger, than the online forum communities I hold so dear. These friendships can become so binding - so unwavering - the fact you've never actually met seems to be merely an afterthought. And I guess that has never been highlighted so clearly as during the last week when hundreds of hearts broke simultaneously for one of our own. I cried for a girl I didn't know. I prayed for a miracle, and cried bitter tears when those prayers went unanswered. But in the face of such tragedy, I was privileged to witness the blogging community at its finest. Whether we had met in the flesh was irrelevant - the circle of love for Lori was radiant, the grief intense, the support phenomonal.

You are in my thoughts Lori. All the time.

And then more tragedy. Another much-loved blogger lost her sister suddenly. And then within days, she herself passed away. I discovered her blog on Saturday, via a blog-hop of support for Lori. I didn't realise at the time, when I clicked 'follow', that there would be no more entries to follow. She had already joined her sister. But I cannot bring myself to stop following her blog. Not yet. Perhaps not ever.

This week was just, well, tragic doesn't seem to be a strong enough word. Devastating. Heartbreaking. Gut wrenching. Soul destroying. All of those and more. The flooding all over Queensland, and now into Victoria. So many lives lost, families destroyed, people with nothing but the clothes on their backs. Brisbane was my playground. One of my favourite places to be - Brisbane, the Gold Coast, the Sunshine Coast, the Whitsundays, and everything in between. I love everything about it. Well, except the big hairy spiders. But I would put up with them for everything else. I want to live in Queensland. Even now, I still want to live there. I want to be there right now. I want to help fix my playground. And I'm grateful, god I'm so grateful that our loved ones were spared. Our numerous friends and family members, some of whom were perilously close to the danger - all okay. Even their homes were spared. Thank you Lord.

But I'm not there. I'm here. Trying to work out how much I can spend on a Shoebox of Love (or three), and feeling depressed about work.

What right do I have to feel depressed about anything right now? How can I complain about anything when there are people who have lost everything this week?

I still have my husband. I still have my family and friends. Okay, granted, we lost our baby and I'm still pretty emotional about that, particularly with what should have been our due date fast approaching. But I've got the support I need. And with the grace of God and a bit of luck, we may still become parents this year (baby dust donations gratefully appreciated). I have a (very nice) roof over my head, a horse and two adorable cats. Okay, one adorable cat and one pat-at-your-own-risk cat, but you get the idea. I have so much to be grateful for - surely I have no right to be depressed. How could I even consider it, when others have lost so much?

I just am, okay?

I remember the morning we found out we lost Peanut. I remember lying there during the ultrasound, making deals with God - if she was okay, I would never complain about work again... Well, she wasn't okay :( But even that afternoon I was thinking that I'd give anything to be back at work again. For things to be back to normal. For our little one to still be with us.

I guess the worst times make us really appreciate everything else in our lives - even the not-so-great things. And when I see others going through such terrible times, I feel like I shouldn't complain about anything more trivial than what they are going through - like I don't have the right to be unhappy about anything in comparison.

But I do. And I am.

Yes, I'm grateful for everything that is wonderful in my life. But that doesn't change the fact that my job makes me miserable. Every. Day. I've been there almost a year. Almost a year of being miserable and depressed at the thought of going to work.

Is it any wonder that I am making changes?!

I refuse to feel guilty for being unhappy. It may be trivial to many, but to me it is real. It was supposed to be the job of my dreams, so it is quite embarrassing to admit that it hasn’t turned out the way I hoped it would. And the whole situation is made suckier as the (real) job of my dreams was for a while dangling tantalisingly close in front of my nose, but I couldn’t take it on because of the financial risks involved with running your own magazine when you have a mortgage. Quite depressing.

But that may all change... if my plans for this year actually work... must keep looking ahead... I can do this...

I will not allow anyone to make me feel guilty for being unhappy, but at the same time, I am trying really hard not to wallow in it. Because, as I've already established, aside from the train wreck that is currently my career, I’m actually pretty damn lucky. And outside of business hours, I’m generally a pretty happy person…

So in the wake of a week of tragedy, and with another four days of work ahead of me before another treasured weekend (may as well be four months, the way it feels right now...), I think I need to remind myself of some of the aspects of my life that fill me with gratitude...

(and for the purposes of the blog-hop, I will pretend that it is Saturday instead of Monday... Mmmm Saturday...)

I’m grateful for my wonderful husband, for putting up with me, for supporting my dreams (and dramas), and for loving me unconditionally through good times and bad. There is no one I would rather share my life with, and there are no words for how much I love him.

I’m grateful to horses, just for existing. I can’t imagine a world without you, nor do I ever want to.

I’m grateful to my beautiful horse Delta Song for making me a better person and for giving me the strength to keep going after she passed away.

I’m grateful to my amazing friends for helping to pick me up whenever I am down, and for providing Bella or Baileys (and sometimes both) to drown the sorrows.

I’m grateful for the wonderful girls and support network that are only a click away on various forums and blogs. I’m grateful for internet access to make this possible.

I’m grateful for our beautiful house – my private haven where I am safe from the world, and the only place where I have ever been able to truly be myself. It’s worth being miserable at work to be able to come home to a haven like this. Almost.

I'm grateful for not having had to endure floods, or bushfires, or cyclones, or any other kind of natural disaster as yet.

I'm grateful to Sarah for being the sister I never had.

I’m grateful to the Geelong Cats for the 2007 Grand Final.

I’m grateful for Tim Tams <3 Especially the Classic Dark variety…

I’m grateful for Zumba for being so much fun and for making me feel less guilty about being grateful for Tim Tams, if you get my drift…

I’m grateful to JK Rowling for feeding my imagination so perfectly.

I’m grateful for summer, for sunflowers, for weekends, for Alli’s pink wax, for cupcakes, for Horsewyse magazine, for scrapbooking, for Thelwell, for Christmas, for music, for Facebook on the iPhone, for Shrek, for the colour green, for rain, for girly nights, for midwives, for scented candles, for eventing, and most of all, for having the freedom to make my own choices, and for being able to walk down the street without worrying about being shot.

Yes, work sucks.

Work sucketh biiig hairy balls.

But it’s the only thing that does.

And for that I am very grateful.