Now I can talk about it

I can talk about it now.

I really thought January was going to be our month. I was positive. And I was so positive. For the first time since 15 August last year, I was almost happy. It could have just been the relief at being able to try again at last. Either way, it was pretty awesome.

And I waited with anticipation for 20 January. That would be The Date when I would know. Marked on my calendar as 'Fingers Crossed' surrounded by love hearts. But I couldn't resist. I tested a couple of days early. And got a faint positive. It was enough to get me excited. Tested again on the 20th. Another faint positive. Possibly fainter than the first? Hmm... tried not to worry about it... but did. It reminded me too much of those weeks after our first ob appt last year. When she was measuring too small. Even though friends gave words of reassurance, I knew deep down that something wasn't right. And here I was again. Deep down, knowing something wasn't right.

Tested again on Sat morning. Borderline negative. I willed that line with all my heart. Waited patiently, then not-so-patiently. WHERE ARE YOU?!! But I knew. I already knew. I just didn't want to believe it. I couldn't accept it. And then the cramping and bleeding began. And I knew it was over. Before it had really begun. And I cried all morning, cried as though my heart was breaking into a thousand pieces. Because it was.

Part of me was relieved that, if it had to happen, it happened now rather than 11 weeks down the track like last time. But part of me was sadder for this reason. Because it feels harder to acknowledge this one. I want to acknowledge this little angel just as I acknowledged Peanut. But she seems to have existed in my heart only - even Kym can't really accept that she was real. But to me she was real. I've now lost two babies. But I feel like a drama queen even saying that - because I don't think this little one really 'counts' in the eyes of everyone else. Doesn't that sound terrible? I guess it was just too early. But I love her so much. Like I said once before, where there is love, there is life. Even if sometimes that love isn't enough.

Fly free little one ~ you are in my heart always

The last week has been hard.

Australia Day was hard. Fun, but hard. I'm okay with babies and little kids, but I struggle with seeing pregnant women. I guess I never made it far enough to make that mental shift from being pregnant to actually having a child. So I'm grieving for my lost pregnancy, rather than for my lost baby... if that makes any sense. But I have a lot of pregnant friends right now. Friends who are extremely dear to me. Friends that I would move heaven and earth for. Friends that I wish nothing but happiness and blessings on. I cherish them. And I cherish this time of their lives. I do not want to spoil it or even dampen it with my own emotions. This is their moment.

But god it's hard :( Sometimes it is easier not to talk, than to risk breaking down. There is so much unsaid, because I just can't say it yet. So much I want to say, but I'm just not ready. I don't want to cry. I don't want them to feel sad or guilty. I don't want them to know anything but the joyful innocence of a healthy pregnancy. And I don't want them to hear my voice catching, or see the shadows in my eyes. So it's easier not to talk. Or to avoid the topic. It's not because I don't care. It's because I do. Please understand :(

But I'm doing my best.

But today was bad. I spent a fairly large chunk of the morning at work in tears. And when I got to the stage where I couldn't stop the tears, I went outside for a walk. The riverbank was deserted, as is often the case in 40+ degree weather. So I enjoyed both the warmth and the privacy. Today it really hit me. I was supposed to be having a baby in a little over a month's time. It's almost February. February is a short month. After February comes March. Peanut was due on 5th March. Until now I had blocked it out. I just couldn't touch the thought of March. It was too raw. Way too painful. It was just safer not to look. But now March is there. It's in a box in the corner of the February page of my calendar. It's almost here. I can't stop it and I can't block it out any longer. But when I think of it my throat tightens and I feel sick. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I don't know if I can. I know I don't have a choice, but I don't know how to deal with this.

Everyone told me not to worry about March. That I'd be pregnant again by then. I have my doubts, to be honest. I guess it's because I'm afraid to get my hopes up now. I don't think I could cope with another disappointment like this. I hope that February will be our month. But at the same time I am afraid to hope. I'm not supposed to be thinking about it (ha!). Relax and it will happen (yeah right...). I wish I could just switch off to it. I wish I couldn't care. But not caring about this? That's a bit like asking me to stop loving Kym or to start liking Winter. Sooo not going to happen.

So I'm plodding along. Trying to cope as best I can. Some days I am almost normal. Other days I'm just numb to the world. But I'm still here. I guess that's a victory.

A very wise friend told me about positive thinking. I'm trying to embrace it. I need it. I need to focus on the good things to help me ride the sadness waves. And there are good things. I'm working hard to keep myself distracted and busy, and it seems to be working - there are lots of good things, if I can only keep focused on them. Things like:

A miracle pregnancy for one of my dearest friends - how can I let this break my heart when it is so special and so deserved? Simple - I can't. If it can happen to them, it can happen to us. I'm trying to draw hope from this, rather than sadness.

My beautiful network of friends. Messages checking up on me. Offers to keep me company if I need it. Hugs on tap. Surprise cards and gifts in the mail. You beautiful girls keep me afloat when I feel like I'm drowning. I love you all so much and am so grateful for you all.

I have to make mention of a very special pair of yellow booties that arrived in the mail today. I've been told that they are very potent :) Let's hope they work :) Thank you B :)

Zumba. My escape. It's the best fun I've had since my days of eventing on Delta. The music, the moves, and most of all, the amazing girls I've met. Zumba is the highlight of my week, and I credit it for keeping me sane when nothing else will work.

Scrapbooking. My addictive hobby. I have some big projects on the go, and am enjoying it so much. It's even better with friends, and I treasure Friday night scrapping workshops at K's place. I can't wait to see my efforts come together. Lots to look forward to there.

My mum. She's getting better. My only wish for so many years has been for her to get better. And slowly she is. My wish has come true. Wishes DO come true.

Loui. No matter how bad the day has been or how exhausted I am, he's there. Faithful, true, and neighing for his dinner. And even though he loves to stress me out with random injuries and his apparent refusal to gain weight (damn skinny TBs!) he is my boy and I wouldn't be without him. I guess he is just training me to be a good mum.

Last but certainly never least. Kym. My other half, my soulmate, and the love of my life. I know he is grieving just as much as I am - just in a different way. And I know how lucky I am to have such a supportive husband. He's amazing. He treats me so well. And he's understanding, even when he doesn't really understand. I don't know if that makes any sense. But I don't know how else to explain it. He's just the best. I feel so blessed to be his wife. And I know he is going to be an amazing dad when the time comes.

When.

So there you go. Now I can talk about it. Now I have talked about it. Now I'm trying to look ahead. February is a new month. A new cycle. A new chance. I hope and pray it will be our month. But if not, then I just have to look back at this blog post to remember everything I have to be grateful for. Surely anything else in life should be a bonus?

That said, babydust donations would be gratefully accepted. Because I'm only human. And although I'm not supposed to be thinking about it... I can't seem to help myself.