Not an apology...

It has been a while.

I'm not sure why it has been a while. It's not that I haven't had the need to blog. I have. I've needed to blog very badly. But I haven't been able to find the mental energy or emotional strength to get it out. Lately it has just been easier (or less hard) to sit and internalise, rather than let the words flow. And I make no apologies for that. Like everything, I guess it just wasn't the right time.

Wasn't the right time.

Gee, like I haven't heard that enough times this year... last year... whatever...

So. What's new with me? I'm still here. Still standing. And it's New Years Day. So I guess that means I made it through the rest of 2010 relatively intact. Rockin.

There's a lot I need to say, but it feels like a massive boulder sitting deep in my chest. It hurts to let it sit there, but it hurts to move it as well. And it's hard to move. I haven't actually figured out how to move it yet. I try, but it's stuck and the words won't come. So I think most of it will remain unsaid for a while. I'll just keep chipping away at the boulder, and maybe I'll get enough little pieces off to make the rest of it more manageable. But that will take a while.

I think my last update was October. Just after I needed the second surgery. I was a real mess then. I took time off work and never wanted to go back... but of course I did go back eventually. And nothing really changed. Work was still depressing, stressful and demotivating, to the point where I started looking for other roles. I've got a few things in the pipeline, but I'm not holding my breath. What I do know is that things have got to change this year. I cannot put up with another year like the last one - from the depressing dark cold conditions of our isolated unit to the oppressive 'management' of the M and her blatant disregard for anything other than her own political agenda... I go back on Wednesday and I am dreading it. I feel sick. I do not ever want to go back. This isn't healthy. Something has got to change, or I'm going to snap and I'm going to quit. If we didn't need the money so badly I would have quit ages ago.

Christmas hit me hard this year. Of course I was looking forward to it. I love Christmas! It's my favourite time of year - I love the decorating, the music, the gift-planning, the card-writing, the baking, the socialising, the hot weather - I absolutely adore it and it is the highlight of my year, every year. But this time it was hard. This time I was supposed to be almost 7 months pregnant. This time I was supposed to be starting maternity leave straight after the Christmas break (yes, I was planning to go early... can't imagine why...). This time I was supposed to be preparing the nursery, writing shortlists of names, and organising my baby shower. But then everything changed and suddenly none of that was going to happen. And although I'd had 5 months to get used to the idea that things were going to be different, that really didn't make it hurt any less. The tears still flowed. I'd be okay, and then suddenly I wouldn't be. I didn't expect it to hurt so much, but it really did. I had to work hard to get into the spirit.

But I managed. I cleaned. I decorated. I baked. I shopped. I giftwrapped. I sent about 60 cards, did 2 Kris Kringles, 2 forum Christmas Card Exchanges, and the Smith Family Christmas Deliveries. I partied with my Zumba girls, drank cocktails, appreciated the good things, and embraced my beloved Christmas.

And I think I did okay. And I'd like to think that Peanut was looking down on her earth-family and enjoying the festivities. And I hope she liked her special ornament on our tree. My aunty hand-crafted Peanut's little angel girl ornament for us.

Oh little one, you are so very loved and so deeply missed.

New Years Eve was hard for the same reason. And it was bittersweet, as dear friends of ours announced their pregnancy that night. I wish I could be sharing their journey as we were supposed to - we would be having little ones only about three months apart, and it would have been so much fun. But I honestly could not be happier for them - and who knows, if all goes well we could still have little ones three months apart ;) I will admit to shedding many tears both last night and this morning. But they were healing tears. And I guess they were cleansing tears - getting the emotions ready to face 2011.

So. 2011. Please, please, please be kind to us. That's all I dare to ask.