So much to think about

My heart hurts today. I've been trying to work on Christmas planning, but it just hurts :( This really isn't getting any easier, but maybe it isn't supposed to yet. It makes me sad knowing that I won't be almost 7 months pregnant at Christmas like I was supposed to be. It's hard to be excited this year, and that's not like me. I'm trying though. I really am.

I'm still not back at work yet. I was meant to go back today but I extended it until Thursday. Had another setback yesterday but feeling better today. Seeing my ob on Weds so I guess I'll take it from there.

To be honest, I don't want to go back to work. Ever. I've come to realise that I'm actually not interested in having a career anymore. It's just not what I want from life now. Yes, I did the uni thing - to prove that I could. And because it was expected of me. And because I thought it was what I wanted. And I've landed in a pretty high-level position and I'm grateful for that. But now I feel empty and unsatisfied, and it's just not where I want to be. It's not what I want to be spending my life doing. My heart's just not in it. At all. And although I could not wish for a better team of people to work with, that just isn't enough.

I realised this the other day when I was reading forum posts from some ladies who are starting maternity leave, and they were saying that they had mixed feelings about putting their careers on hold. That surprised me. And I realised that I couldn't identify with that at all. I was hanging out for mat leave, and I couldn't wait to 'put my career on hold'. To be honest, I was secretly hoping to put it on hold indefinitely, and just find some nice part-time work in a little shop somewhere instead of going back. Much less money, but I've learned that there is much more to life than money.

Well anyway, obviously things haven't gone to plan and now I'm stuck there with no light at the end of the tunnel. Kym says I should hang in there and hopefully it will only be another 9 months or so til I can take mat leave for real. I'm finding it hard to be that optimistic. I just want to cry at the thought of going back :( I'm not the same person anymore. So much has changed in a year :(

Maybe it's not that I don't want a career - maybe I just don't want that career. I'm incredibly disillusioned with the public sector, and feel cheated and let down by some decisions that have been made. I am fed up with the red tape and all the rubbish I have to deal with just to be able to do my job. I do think I need to look elsewhere. I don't have the personality for this after all. I did law to prove that I could, but I think I've made my point.

But what on earth can I do now? Government is OUT. Private practice is OUT (I always said I didn't want to practice law and I meant it!). I hate and despise admin work, call centre work, and supermarket work. Out, out and out. Hmmm. A nice shop would be cool. Or a charity. Somewhere I actually care about. Or I could go to TAFE. I don't like TAFE - my experience with TAFE is that they are disorganised and annoying. But if it's a means to an end... I'd like to do something creative. Or perhaps something child-care related. Early Childhood Education would be nice, but that's at uni rather than TAFE. Not sure I want more uni... But I want a job where I can be myself, and where I can embrace my strengths and passions. Not feel squashed and conflicted because heaven forbid I disagree with the 'M'...

If I can get away from the stress and depression caused by work, then maybe our next pregnancy will actually be a success... Not that I blame work for losing Peanut - I don't. But I also don't feel like I'm in a very good place mentally to be TTC again... I don't feel refreshed. I feel exhausted and wrung out and unsure of everything.

I have a lot to think about. And no idea where to start :(