taking each day as it comes

One day at a time. That seems to be my mantra right now. I'd love to be able to say that I'm doing okay, but I'm not sure that would be truthful. Sometimes I am. I have good days and difficult days. On good days, it is easier to put on the brave face and I feel more like I can cope with the day to day bustle. On difficult days I just feel like I'm wearing this veil of sadness that I can't remove, and every little thing brings me closer to tears. Today is a difficult day. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day. I hope so.

It feels like half of my friends on Facebook are pregnant right now, including two who are expecting twins. And while I am so happy for them, it is also such a slap in the face, because I should have been joining them. I want to rejoice over their ultrasound photos and beautiful bellies and count down the weeks with them, but instead I just feel sick remembering how our last ultrasound ended up. And I have to back away, or else I'll crash again. I don't want to crash again. I don't want to go back there. Not yet. It hurts so much.

I think I'll feel better once we can try again. I think that's the only thing that might help. But I'm not sure when that will be. I'm not physically recovered from the D&C yet, so it will take some time. And then the rollercoaster will begin again. Maybe once I am physically ready I will be mentally ready for that as well. One day at a time.

Apparently it is supposed to be Spring now...

These were taken at about 10am this morning at the stables...

You can't really see the detail of the rain splashing into the puddles (iPhone camera isn't quite that good) but trust me, it was splashing... and there was no way I was driving through that!

10am... and foggy. Rain and fog.

More fog rolling in across the paddocks...

But my beautiful Loui doesn't seem to mind. As long as he has his rug and his hay, he is a pretty happy boy. I have to wonder what's going on in his mind sometimes. Whether he really is that chilled naturally, or whether he has just learned over the years not to sweat the small stuff... I wonder if it bothers him that his paddock has been a swamp for the last month, or that the bore water that fills his water trough has a browny tinge, or that I've never taken him to the beach. Or maybe he just has that wise calm acceptance of an ageing horse who knows that life may not be perfect, but that it's good enough for him. I wonder if he knows how I'm feeling these days. I suspect he does. Horses are so tuned in like that. Perhaps this is his way of keeping my emotions in check. Life has thrown us such a curveball, but Loui is still Loui - faithful, calm, and true. Just what I need from him right now. Yes, he knows.