Just dealing

So its now been about 6 weeks since we lost her.

I think I'm okay. Mostly. I think I've done a pretty good job of being okay on the surface, at least. Getting on with life and all that. There's a fair bit going on that nobody else can see, but that's okay too. The heavy-heartedness comes in bite-size pieces now, subtle enough that I can deal with them on my own, without needing to unburden on anyone else, or (hopefully) even reveal that anything is amiss. But if I get a bit quiet or withdrawn from time to time, don't worry - I'm just dealing. And I'll be smiling again soon.

Ultrasound photos are what get me most. I guess that's to be expected. And being anywhere near Ashford. And seeing pregnant girls. Especially Kayla. And the cute baby on the immunisation poster at Emmaus. And thinking about March. Wondering how on earth I am going to handle March. That's still uncharted territory actually, because just starting to contemplate it hurts so much that I won't even go there.

But clearly I like to torture myself. Because FB is full of ultrasound photos, and not only am I seeing them, I am actively seeking them out. Why? Because I'm nuts? Or because I'm trying to memorise what a healthy scan looks like? I have no idea. And I always end up closing the window anyway and kicking myself for making it hurt again. Idiot. But we both know I'll do it again. And then there's Ashford. I go past it twice a day on the work commute. And I look. And I see the very window that I was gazing out of on that horrible morning in August. And I feel it ache but at the same time I hope to God that I'll be back in there soon with a new chapter. Pregnant girls are everywhere but I have been making a conscious effort to avoid Kayla. Clearly I know my limits there. That or I'd rather not lose the plot at work again. And I always find myself staring at the immunisation poster - no matter how much it twists the knife, I still love it. And March. Well, the only way I can handle that is by telling myself that I will most likely be pregnant in March, so hopefully that will make it easier. But who am I kidding, seriously? I'll be a mess. Even if I am expecting triplets, that won't stop me aching for my little Peanut and wishing I was finally holding her like I should have been. I suspect that we'll have to go away somewhere. I'm thinking Hamilton Island. Or Dunk Island. Or somewhere else just as tropical and heavenly and ridiculously overpriced.

Guess I'll deal with that when it happens.

It's not all violins though. You'll be proud - I have been living again. Like, actually, living living. Not just going through the motions. And I've been enjoying it! Which is why I haven't updated for a while - just been too busy and/or too exhausted. And even now, I have so much to update, but I don't have the energy tonight. Soon. Maybe tomorrow night. I'll need to be more awake than this to do it all justice... but here's a taste...

Zumba marathon... Loui's hooves... hot pink wigs... karaoke... tequila (never again!)... hungover Zumba... Tomorrow When the War Began... City to Bay... Business Improvement Challenge... scariest meeting ever... badminton club champs... AFL Grand Final that wasn't...

Details to come :)