Strugglesville...

Memories can be painfully tricky. Sometimes you think something will be hard, but then it happens and it's not so bad after all. Sometimes you're pretty sure you'll be okay, and you are. Sometimes you know it will be bad, and it is, but you're sort-of prepared because you knew it would be...

And then sometimes they take you by surprise. You don't really think much of it until you are faced with it, and then suddenly it punches the breath out of you and sends you flying into a crumpled heap in the corner, where you stay, dazed and trembling, because you don't trust yourself to move because it will only hurt more.

That's what happened to me earlier this week. And I'm still shaking in the corner.

Monday 6th September was our 2nd wedding anniversary. It had also been the scheduled date of our first big ultrasound and our next ob appt. I had been so excited about it being scheduled on our anniversary (talk about a cool coincidence!), as it was already such a special occasion for us.

I hadn't really thought much about it since we lost her. I guess I'd already had so much to deal with on a day-by-day basis, that I didn't really look ahead too far. It did prickle my thoughts vaguely from time to time, but I'd pushed it away. I'm kind of good at that, hey?

Monday itself was a nice day. Kym and I both had the day off work, and we went to the Show. Of course it was on my mind, but thankfully there was enough to distract me from dwelling on it too deeply. We went out for dinner Monday night and it was really special. We ended up going to our favourite sushi place at Glenelg which seems to be a tradition for us now. Aside from the obvious I shouldn't be allowed to eat sushi yet here I am thoughts, it was pretty perfect. It's hard to be sad about anything when you have a plate of vegetable inari in front of you (trust me).

It wasn't until afterwards, much later that night at home - then it hit me. That's when all the emotion sneaked up and king hit me from behind. And since then I've gone through the entire spectrum of emotions a few times over and I'm still shaking in that corner, afraid to even try to stand up yet because it feels safer down here. You can't knock someone to the ground if they are already there. Makes sense.

I will stand up soon. Once the emotions slow down a bit - right now they are still spinning too fast and it's making me dizzy. But soon.

I guess it goes without saying then that work has been a disaster this week. I've tried, I really have. But I'm just a write off. Tuesday and Wednesday were both pretty pathetic. Especially Wednesday. I walked in and there was Kayla from upstairs dropping off some files for me. All fine, except that Kayla is pregnant too. She's a few weeks ahead of me (well... not anymore, but you know what I mean). She has a bump now. I've been trying to avoid her because I knew what would happen... same old drill: brave face... straight to office... fall apart. I don't think Kayla knows what happened to me. Or maybe she does. I don't know.

I feel like I'm supposed to be 'okay' now. I had my week off when it happened and work was very patient and understanding. I eased back into it gently and again everyone was very patient and understanding. But now this is my third week back and think that people are thinking that I should be all good and back up to speed now. Last week I wasn't too bad, but this week? Disaster. If anything, this week has been harder than my first week back. That's how hard it hit me on Monday. That's why it's taking me so long to get back up this time.

But I didn't want to admit that to my boss. I've been really lucky in my career so far - I've had some really amazing and inspiring role models as my supervisors. And Jill is right up there with the best of them. She's also one of the most understanding and emotionally receptive people I've ever worked with. So why didn't I want to admit to her that I was struggling? In hindsight, I don't know. At the time, I guess I felt like she (and all my collegues) had already been so understanding and supportive and I didn't want to be seen to be taking advantage of that. I guess I didn't want to worry her or admit how badly I have fallen behind with everything, or give her any reason to doubt me and my ability to do my job. I'm in a pretty high-powered position (which I was freakily lucky to get) and it's difficult to find other people to assist with my role. I guess I felt like I'd already called in enough favours over the last few weeks and I should be hardening up and getting on with it. Not shaking in the corner.

I feel bad though. I feel like I let her down by not admitting it to her. Because she heard me on the phone to Kym yesterday (our offices are next to each other and not very soundproof, plus both doors were open...) so it turns out that she knew exactly what was going on the whole time. She also knew that I didn't want to tell her, but she didn't know why... so now she probably thinks I wasn't comfortable telling her or I didn't trust her enough, which is completely wrong because I know I can go to her and she's made it very clear that she's always there if I need to talk. She has been amazing and so generous and caring, and I couldn't blame her in the slightest if she was offended that I didn't want to admit it to her. Even though it wasn't any reflection on her at all - it was just me trying to be a hero and failing dismally.

Yeah... bad week.

I guess it also doesn't help that I'm still a bit of a mess physically as well (and you can interpret that any way you like) and given that it's been over three weeks now, I'm starting to think that perhaps things might not be quite right. I'm going to give it until next week Tuesday and if there's no improvement then I guess I'll have to call my ob again - even if it's just for peace of mind (I should probably stop reading D&C horror stories now...). I guess my hormones are all over the place, so it's no wonder I'm such an emotional minefield...

One day at a time. Tomorrow WILL be better. It's Friday, for starters. Casual day. Jeans are good. Then weekend. Sleep, Zumba, horses, friends... and hopefully hopefully by next week I'll be standing up again.