the healing power of sunshine

Summer is coming. It's definitely not far away now. I adore summer. Summer is the only reason I put up with the other three seasons. Give me baking hot 35+ degree days and extended daylignt all year round and I'd be in bliss. Sadly that's not the case, so I make the most of it while I've got it. As soon as I smell summer, I start to come to life.

Which is why I'm a bit annoyed at the timing of all this. I don't like to feel heavy-hearted coming into summer. Summer deserves better. It deserves a fanfare, a ticker-tape parade, and a red carpet. It normally gets all three from me (figuratively speaking, of course...). But so far this year I'm not feeling it. I'm not coming to life yet. Of course I know why. It's obvious. But knowing why doesn't change the fact that it sucks, and that it's overshadowing my favourite time of year.

I've only ever really had one depressing summer, where I just couldn't find any joy in the days at all. That was the summer of 2001-2002. Actually, the 2001 part was fine - it was the 2002 part that went to hell and had me in a very dark place. The reason? Bad relationship breakup and trust issues with friend who had set it up. Looking back, I'm actually glad it happened. It made me so much stronger and it made me appreciate Kym so much more. I can see now why it had to happen. But at the time it was just horrible... devastating... heartbreaking... like I could never ever be happy again. And every day of that summer was dark. If only I'd known.

I wonder if I'll be saying the same thing in a few years when I look back on this time. Although I don't think I could ever say 'I'm glad it happened' when I reflect on Peanut's short life. I will never, ever be glad about that, and I wish with every fibre of my being that she was still here. But I do hope that I'll be able to look back and understand why it happened. I already know this will help us to appreciate our children even more when we do have them. And I hope I'll be able to look at them and remind myself that if we hadn't lost Peanut then we wouldn't have been blessed with them instead. And maybe that will give me some peace, just in knowing that everything happens for a reason, and that somehow everything does work out the way it is supposed to.

Of course that doesn't make me feel any better about the here and now. Because right now I'm still in the dark place. Still aching for her, still wincing with pain when I see a pregnant woman, and still crying at all kinds of random triggers. Wahhhmbulance, anyone?

You might be wondering how long the dark place lasted in 2002 and how I got through it. The dark place lasted until late in the year - October to be precise. From January to October. 10 months. And how did I get through it? Going through the motions... getting through each day... focusing on the things I enjoyed in the hopes that they would eventually become enjoyable again... and then there was Kym. Amazing Kym going through the exact same thing. My old friend who I hadn't heard from in three years suddenly called me out of the blue. Both on the rebound, we were a couple by early November. Eight years later, we're still together, married, and disgustingly in love.

Which brings me full circle to the current situation. Good things come out of bad things. Bad things come out of good things. Life is so bizarre. But I know we'll get through this - we are so much stronger than this. Doesn't make it any easier and it sure as hell doesn't make it hurt any less. But at least we're in it together. To love and to cherish, so long as we both shall live, all this I vow and promise. That's more than a lot of people have. Just need to keep counting those blessings.

So. Today was better. Yesterday was a complete write off and I was a complete mess (I even skipped Zumba, that's how bad it was), but today was better. I made myself go out. I went to Marion, got my hair cut, had some major retail therapy, bought some birthday presents, spent way too much money and now can't pay the mortgage this fortnight (whoops), but I honestly couldn't care less (we're ahead anyway). It was necessary. And it actually helped me feel a bit better. I now have a new handbag which I think I love, and a new purse which I think I hate (damn...) which means I might now go out and buy another new purse and hopefully choose better this time. Or I might just learn to like the one I bought today. Meh. I also got cheap petrol. Win. I never get cheap petrol. Like, ever. But I did today. And the sun was out. The sun was beautiful and perfect. And it reminded me in its delicious way that summer is just around the corner. And then I went to Zumba. And I Zumba'd like an old woman, but I Zumba'd nonetheless. And it was good.

And while I'm still finding it hard to be happy about anything - even the things I would normally do backflips for (again, figuratively speaking...) such as summer and Christmas and the horse trials and Equitana, I also know that I shouldn't underestimate the healing powers of sunshine. And I'm sure that, as the warm sunny days and balmy evenings slowly wrap themselves around me, I will find my way out of this dark place. One step at a time.