A lifetime in a day...

It’s been a while…

Somewhat of an understatement, I know. Like I hinted back in March and April, I have so much to tell you. I’ve had so much to tell you for months and months, but the underlying terror of jinxing myself, even in these later months, has been enough to keep me silent in here. Especially since this blog was born from the deepest and darkest heartbreak I’ve ever known.

But I think it’s time…

I’m about to become a mother. Again. But this time the story is so much happier. I’ve made it to 39 weeks. Actually, 39 weeks and 5 days. I’m due in two days. This Friday. Whether or not this little one actually arrives on Friday remains to be seen. I’m hoping for sooner… bracing myself for later… but waiting with bated breath for signs that the smallest thing I’ve ever put my whole life into is finally on their way.

At first we were terrified. I was fully expecting a repeat of Peanut’s story. When I found out in late March that I was pregnant, it took me a week of testing and watching that line get darker before I would actually believe it. When we had our first appointment in late April, I was convinced that we wouldn’t have a heartbeat. I was in tears in the waiting room, and scared to look at the ultrasound. The relief at being shown a strong heartbeat and correct measurements was overwhelming – frightened tears became happy tears, and our gorgeous ob, the same ob who guided us through last year’s heartbreak, was visibly thrilled for us. Maybe this would be the one?

Being the nervous nellie that I am, we had fortnightly appointments for a while to keep a close eye on growth and development. It was still hard to comprehend that this was what a healthy, normal pregnancy was like. Peanut’s devastating early ultrasound images were burned into my subconscious, so in contrast, seeing visible development into a baby was surreal. Even now, I look at those early images and pinch myself. I can’t believe this miracle has finally happened to us.

We were too scared to tell anyone early after last time – only a tiny handful of absolute closest friends knew (for moral support purposes) and were sworn to secrecy. We told my family on Mother’s Day – I was 11 weeks by then. I was 11 weeks when we lost Peanut last year. I was terrified of history repeating itself, but Mother’s Day was too perfect an opportunity, and the scans were reassuring. And the reaction was priceless! We told Kym’s family on the afternoon of our 12-week scan. We told everyone else at 13 weeks.

This baby is called Thumper. Our little rabbit. We needed a cute rabbit name – it is still the Year of the Rabbit after all. We have no idea if we’re having a boy or a girl. We both decided we wanted a surprise (much to the frustration of many of our friends, hahaha!). I guess we’ll find out very soon now. We’re both thinking girl… but it’s entirely likely that we are wrong! We have a name picked for each… I can’t wait to finally give Thumper a real name.

I’ve been lucky really – I’ve had a pretty smooth pregnancy. Morning sickness has been kind to me (compared to many!) and I finally hung up my Zumba shoes on Monday at 39+3 which I am very proud of. I’m already missing it and can’t wait to be back, but realistically that probably won’t happen until the new year. I had a small scare (bleed) at 29 weeks which turned out to be harmless, and in recent weeks my ankles have exploded – but overall I have been very lucky.

And now it’s time. I’m due this week. Kym is so excited, it melts my heart – I know he will be an amazing daddy, and I cannot wait to see him holding his child for the first time. I’m excited too – that goes without saying! I cannot wait to finally meet this little person who has held such a huge place in our hearts since before they were conceived.

But I’m going to miss my bump. A lot! I can honestly say I have loved being pregnant. Despite the early anxiety, the tiredness, the having to give up so many foods I love, the blood tests, the swollen ankles, the not fitting into the majority of my wardrobe, and the tiptoeing around friends who are in the same place I was in last year – I have cherished every moment and I’m not quite sure I’m ready for it to be over yet. I will treasure these last days.

And I’ll be honest. I’m nervous. I have no idea how I’m going to handle childbirth. I hope I’ll be okay – but it’s a huge unknown and it’s frightening. I don’t know how Kym is going to handle seeing me in pain. I’m nervous for him as much as I am for me. And I worry about being a good mum. I hope I’ve got what it takes. I have no idea what I’m getting myself into, but this little person is going to be entirely dependent on me. And that’s a frightening responsibility. Frightening, but also the greatest honour and blessing I could ever imagine.

And this makes me wonder… about Peanut. Whether she was sent to help me with this. Because whenever the anxiety sets in and I find myself starting to internally panic about the pain of childbirth or the responsibility of being a mother, I remember Peanut. And I remember that nothing – nothing – could ever be as painful or traumatic as last year was. No amount of physical pain or exhaustion could ever come close to matching that level of emotional pain. And that is strangely comforting. Last year I’d have given anything to be in this situation. Peanut’s memory is helping me to keep the fears in perspective, and stay centred and in control. My little angel is here – I can feel her here so strongly, and I know she is here to get me through the days ahead and help guide her little sister or brother into the world. And it feels like I’ve come full circle. I still cry so much for Peanut (the screen is blurry as I write this) but now, finally, there are happy tears mixed in with the sad. Because I am feeling incredibly blessed to have such a beautiful little guardian angel watching over Thumper and I.

I’ve always believed firmly that everything happens for a reason. A friend told me last year that ‘one day all of this will make sense’. She was right.

(having said that, good vibes for a positive and empowering birth experience would be very much appreciated!)

I promise you won’t have to wait nine months for my next update!